This was the topic last night on my blog talk radio show.  I would like to hear your thoughts, questions or comments.  As I continue to support, and encourage couples to fight through their problems and try to save and restore their marriage.  I keep finding out that there are some common factors in all relationships.  Many women say I wish he would have told me this when we first met.  Or there are several things that women just do not know.  Let me give you some information that will forever change your life.  There is a book that I read by Bishop Bernard E. Jordan entitled What every woman should know about a man.  I read this book years ago, and it changed my life.  I have even had my 18 year old daughter to read this book, and she loved it.  In this book Bishop Jordan points out that there are 5 stages to a man's development.  The first stage is male ,  he is simply a male because of his body parts and that he has an organ that can produce seed.  The second stage is boy, at this stage he knows about his organ but he does not fully understand its purpose. Also at this stage he loves to play, he likes games, he does not want responsiblity, nor does he want to be held accountable.  At this stage he is also unsure of his purpose, calling, vision or goals.  As a boy it is hard for him to stay focus and he always thinks of himself.  As a boy it is hard to admit he did something wrong and he is always looking to blame someone for his mistakes.  As a boy he does not want to hear the truth so he would rather close his ears and ignore what he is hearing.  As a boy since he does not know how to honor himself or others he finds himself using his organ for personal pleasure with no regards to the consequences or choices made.  I talk a lot about this stage because I believe this is stage that several women fall in love with their spouses.   This was the stage that my wife fell in love with me.  Although I was 20 years old when I got married looking at the stage of development I was still a boy. 

The next stage is a man, then a husband and last is a father.  As a man, you know your vision, you understand your purpose and you have goals for yourself.  As a man you know how to honor a woman and not cause her to dishonor herself by having sex before marriage. As a man you, the full purpose of your organ and take pride in honoring God  with the discipline that only a man can have.  The next stage is a husband, as a husband you understand you are the head of your wife and you do not take selfish pride in ruling your wife but leading her to her destiny.  A husband knows his purpose and vision, but he also is very concerned in helping his wife to achieve your purpose and vision.  A husband is strength to his wife, and he listens to his wife and he understands the importance of treating her with love and respect.  The last stage is a Father, we will discuss this stage a little later.  But the father is the pinnacle of development for a man.  Again the 5 stages are: he starts off as a male, boy, man, husband and father.  When you understand what stage of develpment  your husband is in, you will begin to have a better understanding of his thinking process.

Something else  women should know is that unbroken men are untruthful men.  If there has not been a breaking in a man's life he will continue to hide the truth.  The breaking means where his will, his pride, his feelings have been broken.  Normally during the process of breaking there will be exposure of mental and emotional pain.  For me, my breaking came after my wife's affair and God caused me to reveal my affair and to forgive me wife.  This was a breaking for me, because I had to totally reveal that which I was hiding.  So, if he has not had a breaking in his life, he will hide the truth at all cost.  It is not until that man understands that God is merciful and full of grace.  And after that man has fell off of his high horse, and God restores him to his mental and emotional sanity then he understands the principle of transparency and is willing to reveal all of himself

Last two things that I will leave you with is that men want respect and men are visual.  Tell me what have you learned about your husband that you wish you would have known years prior.

If you could tell women something that you have learned in your life about men, what would it be?

        

I am sure that many people may feel as if Tiger Woods is just another man who cheated on his wife and now he does not deserve to have a faithful wife and his family.   Well, there is some truth to that thought.  The fact is, yes he cheated but losing his wife and family should be based on other factors and not just the fact that he had an affair with several women.

Here is why I believe that Elin would make a huge mistake in her life by divorcing Tiger Woods at this point.  Let me explain it by painting a picture for you.  Elin married Tiger when he was on top of the world.  In all honesty, he was the best player in the game of golf because this was his gift and talent.  Golf came to Tiger naturally.  In other words when he got to the top of his game and the sports world he was not bruised, beaten up, rejected or despised.  But as science states what goes up must come down.  Tiger got to the top, but he did not know how to appreciate and value his position.  When Elin married Tiger, he was a man full of pride.  When Tiger gave his speech of apology he was a humble, beaten down, rejected, and despised man.  Now the world is about to witness the resurrection of Tiger Woods.  As he rises this time, he is going to be humble and broken, but wiser and stronger.  This is one reason why Elin should not divorce him because Tiger is about to become a great husband and father. 

I believe an affair is the greatest test of love in a relationship.  I am sure Tiger loved his wife when he married her; but after an affair, where your spouse supports you, the love that you have for your spouse goes beyond what words can explain.  After my wife’s affair our love became stronger and deeper.  This is the reason I say from experience an affair does not have to destroy you, your marriage or the future dreams of your family.   Tiger said a powerful statement during the apology which was, “it is not about what you achieve in life but what you overcome in life.”  I will tell anyone that truly loves their spouse and believes that their spouse is their soul mate can overcome an affair.  There is something about a broken man with a strong will to love and to live.

        

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Many times I think we forget how much work went into getting your spouse to fall in love with you.  This same process will be what it will take for them to stay in love with you.  It is very easy to assume because you married someone that, that person will be faithful to you until the day you die.  Well maybe back in the 60's and 70's that may be understandable but in 2010 that is not the case.  Your spouse will go through several changes over the years, emotionally, physically, spiritually and romantically.  If you are not able to keep up with the changes then you will be left with your thumb in your mouth wondering, what happened.  The things your spouse liked when you first met are going to change.  The interest are going to change, the reactions, the responses they are all going to change.  Their minds and their thoughts are going to change.  I met my wife when I was 18 years old, and we were married when I was 20 years old.  I am now 38 years old soon to be 39.  When my wife met me I was still a boy, now I am a man.  The same with my wife she is no where near the person she was when I met her at age 19. I am not suggesting that the changes are bad, but the changes are natural.  What causes so many problems in marriages is that, both couples do not adjust to the changes.  Yes, I know what someone is saying, how can you adjust when my spouse does not communicate his or her changes.  This is a great point, this is the reason that I believe that everyone should have a minimum 2 marriage coaching sessions a year from the date of your marriage.  Knowing how to ask the right questions is an art, or it takes practice.  If the right questions are asked and are asked the right way you will get an answer.  One of the keys in keeping your spouse in love with you is celebrating their changes.  Do not try to box them in or make them try to revert to the person that you met.  The reason for this is that your spouse can only reject their true feelings for so long.  This is when the affair is right around the corner.  The affair may not start off physical, it may only be emotional but it is on the horizon.  Keeping your spouse in love with requires you to stay as focused on them as you were when you were dating them.

        

Please email me at martez@overcomingaffairs.com to be signed up for a very good class.  The class is scheduled for October 13, 2009 at 8pm est.  I will send you the bridgeline to call after I receive your email requesting to join the class.  We will discuss some of the issues that can affect either spouse; the one who committed the affair or the victim.  During the class I will offer some relationship coaching to help couples move forward in their relationship decisions and their marriage.  This will be a 1 hour class.  Along with your email please send any questions that you would like to be considered during the class.  The class will be for the first 100 people that sign up.  If you have a friend or family member who you think could benefit from this information please forward this information to them.

        

I know that there are many people who would dare to ask, How can you say your spouse's affair blessed your marriage?  This is a great question to ask.  The word blessed denotes good things have followed since the affair.  For my wife and I the affair brought us closer, caused us to be more passionate for one another and deepened our love and respect for one another.  The affair caused me to appreciate my wife and appreciate her love for me even more.  The affair caused us to realize how important our marriage is to our desired destiny.  For me the affair was one of the best things that could have happened in my marriage.  I do not believe that if you are married to your soul mate or destiny partner that an affair happens to destroy your marriage.  I believe the affair comes to make your marriage stronger.  The spirit of the lord said to me, my wife's affair will be my greatest test of love for her.   I have learned that true forgiveness holds no bitterness. It is my desire to help and encourage as many couples as I can, not to so easily give up on their marriage just because of infidelity.  However, I do understand that if divorce is the path taken, it should be taken with no anger involved.  Having the right perspective changes everything.  Your perspective reflects your feelings.  In most cases we were taught and raised to have negative feelings towards infidelity. Most of our hurt and pain that we carry comes from the root of those negative feelings that were placed in our hearts and minds.  Believe me I know, my mother placed a lot of  those angry feelings in my heart towards my father because of his infidelity.  Please understand I realize changing your perspective will take time, but if you keep reading and posting your comments over time your perspective will change. As your perspective changes, your attitude and feelings will also change towards your spouse.